Technological breakthrough in art

Invention of the Stylograph.

By our special correspondent.

Kolkata, 6th July. In acknowledgment of the contribution of artists towards reviving a decrepit economy, the art world gets a gift in the form of a technological aid called the Stylograph.

The Stylograph

The inventor, himself an artist has been working on the contraption for many years without much success. The breakthrough, he claims, came about a few months ago, but the invention was kept under wraps for reasons stipulated under laws governing clinical trials.

Apart from art galleries, no one had any clue what this contraption looked like or what it actually did.

The galleries, however, did not fund the research and development. One wise gallery owner explained that it was their moral duty to keep the artist/inventor in penury, as they unanimously felt that money could corrupt creativity and be counter-productive to the project.

At the unveiling ceremony, the contraption was also demonstrated. Everyone present was convinced of its efficacy.

The inventor, briefing news persons present, said that his invention would revolutionise the art-making process and completely eradicate the phenomena of prices nose-diving.

He explained that the contraption is a frame work built to encase the artist’s working hand, which can only be manipulated by a string attached to a pulley fitted to a strapped helmet. This ensures that the hand is not free to move in any which way an artist might decide and therefore limits movement. The free hand that pulls the string is the only user-friendly element. Moreover, the device is fitted with a fail-safe system consisting of sharp knife edges that can hurt the wrist in case an artist decides to test the limits set by the device. Additionally, the device has been designed in such a way that even the slightest movement of the head will be registered, causing the knives to inflict pain. The sensitivity of the device is such that even thinking-out-of-the-box will adversely harm the user.

The application of this device will therefore ensure stylistic consistency. Asked why this device is necessary given that a majority of artists already tread a narrow path - the inventor explained that it is for these very same people that the device is necessary. This will result in far greater consistency while increasing productivity and help in stabilising prices. It could also be used to harness those artists who run amok in terms of style, and disturb the buyers' state of blissful equilibrium.

Gallery owners were unanimous in hailing this invention as a milestone of the 21st Century, worthy of a Nobel Prize. Technology should always benefit humankind and since gallery owners are unquestionable life members on Club Earth, no one should complain if they profit from this device.

It seems that gallery owners have already started booking the contraptions in advance. One gallery owner hinted that she would offer these devices free of charge to her stable of artists and was mulling over what kind of fringe benefit she could offer in return. One noted artist felt that this invention has come at the most opportune moment and is a great relief for him. He explained that consistency matters a great deal especially when one has to deal with the constant pressure of having to deliver to various galleries in quick succession throughout the year.

While congratulating the inventor on his success, he was asked how this invention would benefit him personally. “They cannot relegate me to the dustbin of history, because I make history!” he smiled proudly.

Fund Raising Fiasco

There was quite a riot at a dinner hosted by a charming socialite, known for her sumptuous parties, as guests were miffed at the ordinary whiskey served to them. The guest list included famous celebrities of all hues and denominations. The dinner was arranged ostensibly to raise money to start a group health insurance scheme to benefit artists.

The guests felt both slighted and cheated, as they were all being very open fisted with their donations. One artist who had recently qualified to the Art-Mart Club said, “I only drink single malts!” rattling off brand names. The party finally continued without further incident well into the night after their demand was graciously met.

Incidentally, such fund raising parties are gaining currency as many experts on human behaviour feel that it is a form of catharsis common to people who get obscene amounts of money without really earning it.

Editorial

With the invention of the Stylograph, many ethical questions similar to those that had been raised during the cloning controversy of Dolly the sheep, are bound to re-appear on furrowed brows. This issue, however anachronistic, needs to be debated, as gizmos such as these, apart from making lifestyle statements, tend to overwhelm the normal functioning of the human psyche - adversely affecting any worthwhile endeavour.

Among the issues widely debated, is whether this device will be used to curb creative activity and hence subjugate freedom of expression as enshrined in the Constitution of India.

As evidenced recently by the standard of many important art exhibitions commemorating 60 years of India's Independence, such fears are unfounded. Not because creative geniuses cherish their independence, but for the reason that most of them are ignorant of the concept. Merely doing what one wishes to do, is a meaningless exercise of independence. The concept pre-supposes a greater degree of social responsibility, which is sadly non-existent in most such cases.

On the other hand, are artists actually free? Don’t the demands and machinations of the art market greatly influence the way art is made?

The other fear that this device - correctly calibrated - could be used to fake artworks, is a reality that no one can deny. Such fears are relevant, given the hunger for certain signature styles. This and all the other apprehensions can be easily laid to rest, if art buyers become more adventurous and stop buying the same old hat over and over again. The Stylograph would then become history much before it is able to gain notoriety.

New frontiers in photography

An avant garde artist has found a novel way to document life’s journey. He has taken more than 5,000 digital images of his own legs and feet, both shod and unshod in what seems to be different locations.

The thought behind his work, the artist explains, is that he was ashamed by the series of photography exhibitions that were making headlines lately. The utter nonchalance of the practitioners towards the medium in terms of technical efficiency has been most disturbing. Quality, he feels, has become secondary to fashionable and trendy justifications.

A poet and an artist participating in the debate
 “The argumentative Bengali is a dead species - period!”

What started off as a reaction to these trends became a full time obsession with him. Consequently, he walked about with bowed head and in spite of the discomfort (that gave him a permanent crick in the neck) he kept on taking pictures. This resulted in the stupendous series titled “Where am I going?” These works attempt to trace the artist’s journey through life in a very personal way and raise questions that relate to directions, both temporal and philosophical.

“raising questions relating to directions,

both temporal and philosophical”

Asked about his future plans, the artist explained that at the moment he was very busy mounting his solo show at a premier gallery in Kolkata. On the issue of whether or not these works would find buyers, the artist smiled and said, “I do not chase money, money chases me,” spreading his hands, alluding to the bevy of beautiful buyers hovering around.

What next? The artist said that he was constructing a transparent device that would be strapped to his waist and would carry a camera at the far end. This would be useful to document more of his journey, albeit from another perspective and would depict him walking about with bowed head. He plans to title this future series “A crick in the neck.”

   Capitalist conspiracy

A well-endowed starlet has been making waves lately. She has been in the news more often for her off-screen antics rather than her on-screen libidinousness, which she claims is put on entirely for the camera, rubbishing rumours of her amorous escapades with her co-actors. She is almost always scantily dressed, which her economist parents reportedly do not mind. However, this nubile lass is not at pains to explain why she wears those threadbare outfits everywhere. Her usual attire is so skimpy that it can be described as two simple handkerchiefs actually. She explains that her professional commitments require her to inhabit various casting couches in quick succession and “it’s a drag to choose a more elaborate wardrobe. What’s more, I do not have to worry about wardrobe malfunctions either! Clothing is a capitalist conspiracy!” she signs off.

News in brief

The All Bengal Writers’ Guild submitted a memorandum to the state government demanding reservations in publishing, as well as promulgating a buyer policy guideline that would ensure sale of Bengali books. A spokesperson for the Guild said that the organisation was planning to launch a mass movement if their demands were not  met.

Page 3 Celebrities Inc. has threatened to call a statewide bandh to protest alleged anomalies in the current rating system and picket publications to demand more dedicated pages. A spokesperson for a particular news group hoped that they would be spared the indignities, as they publish Page 3  material only.

Indian art galleries to acquire artists for life

Our Special Correspondent

Kolkata, 8th June: The conglomeration of Indian Art Dealers and the Society of Gallery Owners (SGO) have planned to follow what the Indian Premier League (IPL) has already done successfully.

The recent trend of trying to revert to gladiatorial times seems to be catching up. In a recent conference of art dealers and gallery owners, it was unanimously decided that the Indian Art League (IAL) should be immediately formed.

A spokesperson for the IAL, on conditions of anonymity, said that the practice of buying artists is not new. Many art galleries both here and abroad have - in the guise of promoting artists - been doing for some time what the IPL and now the Indian Art League plan to do officially. The times are changing and social values are seeing a paradigm shift. Therefore, the need for covert operations is redundant. This, the spokesman argued, augurs well for the art industry.

Going by what various other players, including artists feel, the probable scenario that might emerge is that the chief beneficiaries in these gladiatorial games would be the betting syndicates (read investors). The hapless artist gets involved, as survival of their respective art practices largely hinges on the whims and fancies of buying and selling trends. It would be more about bulls and bears rather than good or bad art.

Needless to say, art would be the biggest loser, as it is believed that the boom in the art market had in many ways been counter-productive in terms of creativity. The spokesperson from IAL felt otherwise. He went on to explain that this form of ownership has been practised in football for a long time the world over and has promoted excellence. “So was slavery!” countered an art enthusiast. Whatever are the precedents and whatever the logic and reasoning offered by those for - as well as against - arguments and counter arguments would not end in a hurry. Indications are that this would be a prolonged battle and that the IAL would come out victorious, given that their muscle and money power is more than evident.

Senior artists, who have not yet made their mark in terms of sales, feel that the IAL would spell doom for them. After all, in this game of large investments, buyers would in all probability put their money on younger artists who have the potential of a longer “shelf life”, as opposed to senior artists who may not outlive their investment term and would be considered potentially high-risk investments. There is, after all, a difference between art and cricket, as players considered too old for ODIs and T20s, are playing in the IPL. Artists who lose out too much may be eligible for stable transfers before their contracts end.

The other parallel that the IAL has with the IPL is that art galleries would be fielding their respective “stables”, as the “teams” would be called. It is not clear whether or not the Shah Rukh Khans and the Preity Zintas would feature in the auctioning and ownership process, or if they would merely be celebrities chosen to grace inaugurations.

Mr Arty Planwallah, the brain behind IAL, emphasised that this would revolutionise the way the art market has been perceived for so long - as a cloak and dagger affair - which only a chosen few in the cabal were privy to. “This will bring about a much needed transparency in art dealings hitherto sadly absent,” Mr Planwallah signed  off.

A minor member of SGO cautioned that like in many other enterprises, here too, there is the lurking fear of bit players being marginalised. “Do we need this brand of globalisation in the art market as well?” he thundered.

Game show for Artists

Keeping with the growing interest in art and artists, Megamedia Serials, a production company who had earlier run very successful game shows  are planning to launch a game show involving artists. In a tentative format for the game show, the company plans to invite all artists whose work fetch more than one lakh rupees each with a view to assure themselves of viewer ship and ratings.

The artists will have to compete in groups of fours and create in-situ. They will be judged by an expert panel, while voting by SMS and phone calls will decide their fate. Depending on the availability of some of the well-known artists, the first round will feature about 80 artists.

In the first few primary rounds, the artists will be asked to show off their skills. As the rounds progress, the tasks will become more complex until finally it will boil down to cerebral activity. Asked why it could not be done the other way around, one of the producers said that it would be imprudent, as the number of rounds will greatly diminish and this could affect the Art-Mart Index adversely.